Church Bloopers Humor


These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) 
actually appeared in church bulletins:
  
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
 
2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon 
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
 
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of 
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
 
4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at 
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care 
much about you.
 
5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 
6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving 
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 
7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a 
nursery downstairs.
 
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the 
help they can get.
 
9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the 
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 
10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 
Music will follow.
 
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is 
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of 
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
13. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be 
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 
14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased 
person you want remembered.
 
15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment 
and gracious hostility.
 
16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
 
17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They 
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 
18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park 
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 
19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All 
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is 
done.
 
20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation 
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next 
Sunday.
 
21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please 
use the back door.
 
22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the 
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend 
this tragedy.
 
23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. 
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 
24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan 
last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
 

 
I  had amnesia once -- 
or twice.
    *****
All I ask is a chance to prove 
that money can't make me happy.
    *****
If the world were a logical  place, 
men would be the ones who 
ride horses sidesaddle.
    *****
What is a "free"gift? 
Aren't all gifts free?
    *****
They told me I was gullible 
and I believed them.
    *****
Teach a  child to be polite and courteous in the home, 
and when he grows up, 
he'll  never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
    ******
Experience is the thing you have left 
when everything else is gone.
    *****
One nice thing about egotists .. 
they don't talk about other people. 
    *****
My weight is perfect for my height,  
which varies.
    *****
I used to be indecisive. 
Now, I'm not sure.
    *****
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
    *****
How can there be self-help groups? 
    *****
If swimming is so good for your figure, 
how do you explain whales?
    *****
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, 
and I'll show you a man who 
can't get his pants off.
    *****
Is it me, or do buffalo wings 
taste like chicken?
     *****
Protons have mass? 

Children Are Our Future

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and
Health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is
Truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures
Of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is
Water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon,
Because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum I forget where the
Sun joins in this fight.

18 Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.

19 Anything you put in your mouth can make you less hungry

 

 

 

 

 

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